Death!

 

Death

My head was spinning and there was darkness around everywhere and there in a moment of frenzy when I was trying to figure out about what was happening and my mind was still in a state of confusion and it went blank. It declared that I was dead. I too believed that I was dead. I had never experience d anything of this sort. I thought, may be, I am not dead yet but going through the process of death. Being brought up in a rational society death cannot come all of a sudden with out any reason and rationale. There has to be a process to everything. So, I thought that I would make a note of all the steps. What was I doing. I was sleeping. I was down with malaria and was at home resting. There was no one else at home. But then I thought malaria is too trivial a disease to die of. There has to be a greater cause. Oh! I forgot I was also down with Jaundice . Oh! I also had a phayngittis infection. Oh! I had something more. I had a bulk deal so cant remember what else I had. But all these were too simple and trivial things to die of. No, it cant be so. I cannot die of these things. Ok. There has to be greater mystery to my death. Someone poisoned me, some greater ailment, some thing which sounds as complicated as sarcoma of lymphnode. I am bored trying to figure out the causes.

                Now what next. I am dead and I already have an obituary written, but whom do I ask to get that obituary published. There is only one friend who knows that I have written an obituary, but how will she know where have I kept it. No, I cant let the obituary which I wrote for myself go down the drain. If only i were alive for a few more moments I would have atleast mailed it to everyone. So they could have got it published. But what if they had  other things in plan. What if they did not like the one which i wrote and decide to change it. Death, you are so painful. Well people lose control over their live while they are alive, so now that I am dead I should not be complaining.  Procrastination, even after death, some people like me never change even if they die.

 Now that I am dead, it is time to find out what have I done so far in life. What has gone into it. What have I gained and what is it that has pained me.  Jindagi main ek baar pyaar, ek baar mohabbat aur ek baar hi ishq hota hai.  Right me to have fallen in love thrice. No, I am lying trying to act the cool dude. But the truth is it has happened only once. Oh! Could this be the cause of my death. No, people don’t die because of love. But i did suffer. But that does not mean that you die of suffering. I cried. Crying is good for eyes. Tears always help you. No, they did not help me. Oh I went into a phase of silence for a while. Silence at times is good. But no, I was numb. It is just that you felt so. I started seeing hallucinations. Cut it, You are stretching it. No i mean it. I was betrayed. I was bruised. I was left alone. I was left with my life in chaos. I lost my way. I ended up feeling like a loser. Come on stop it. You know it well, there were times when she was the support for you life, the direction for you, the one who healed your wounds. But this time she too was bruised, hurt and had no control over her life. And if someone supports you doesn’t mean that she does so all her life. But how about those moments when she told me that I was the breath of her life and it was I who could get a smile on  her face in the worst moments of adverasity. But wasn’t she stable after a certain point of time. There were times when I cried because I had nowhere to go , because I had lost my love and because I had and she was fine and she did not even bother to find out how I was. Come on, there is a point where you have to forget the past and move on. But how can I when you say that I keep happy moments of the past with me. Along with those moments the moments of agony come along. I know she did the most which she could do for me. I know that I had almost ruined her life and I know she risked almost everything for me. But. But This but would always there be in my life. But why?  If. Why  is that all our life we keep pondering over ifs and buts. Why. Do you know why?

I don’t have an answer to your question but i know only thing, all things good or bad will remind you of past and with past will come those moments of happiness and pain. But that is how life is. Enjoy those moments of happiness but try  and remember that no matter how beautiful the past is beyond a point it hurts. So, learn to live in the present.

So you see, even after death I cant help but think of it. Death is painful but love pains the most.  Oh I did not realise I have been speaking to death all this while. What an irony, Death teaching me to live in the present when it has ended my present and brought all things together in the past.